Monday, June 30, 2008

Transparence

When a hint of petrol price increase was upon us, the very first interview heard on TV was with the head of PPIM, who said that the price increase will do good for the rakyat. The rakyat will learn how to be thrifty, learn how to save money and use it wisely. Expensive is good, just like the Mercedes Benz that I'm driving, said he.

When SAPP announced their notion for a vote of no confidence against the Prime Minister, the very next day they are under BPR's investigation for corruption. What can I say, it is their motto: Cepat, mesra dan betul. I mean, terlalu cepat, mesra depan TV, dan mungkin betul. Eh, that's the motto of the police force. Not the rasuah body. Police force. Rasuah body. Police. Rasuah. Police. Rasuah. Police, rasuah. Hmm.

After the ex-gratia payment is given to seven former judges to honor their services, some of them who were clearly overdosed with Viagra suddenly grew enough volume in their balls to voice out their accusations. They incriminated that there was a dictator who made them memorize the lyrics to the national anthem and got them to stand on the chair whenever they fumbled at the rap part of the song. Namewee himself was almost summoned to help them out.

And when there is one bloody son of a bitch who keeps on bugging you on all of your businesses, and all else failed to stop him; drop the finishing move on him, again. The weapon of masturbative destruction: sodomy. Even Tony Stark would have to give his salutations to this one.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Six Sigma

Let me mesmerize all of you with something from the engineering field. I see lots of doctors put up big terms with big words that will twist your tongue into 7 different directions just by trying to pronounce it, and hence I think it's time for me to share a bit about what I learn.

I am a Mechanical-Manufacturing Engineer, and when it comes to manufacturing, we always talk about maximizing the production rate and minimizing the defects. One tool used to do this is called the Six Sigma tool, developed by some Japanese porn industry specialist after realizing that their porn always feature defect-sized penises with a hot chick, which is, no good for business.

They have intended to change the name back to the original, which is the Sex Sigma, but due to international outrage and cultural conflict within Japan itself, which always project themselves as polite and conservative people, they decided to go for the switch.

"What's wrong with the word sex? Take a look at our porn and see that we still do not shave our pubic hair. That is what I call conservative, not some word play!" grumbled one old disgrunted unhappy protestor in fluent English, which would have sound like the toilet being flushed repeatedly.

In recent years, there have been emergence of porn with defect-free penises but with fat-laden chicks, and hence another quality tool was produced in-line with the Six Sigma, which is called the Lean Six Sigma.

We are not interested in how the porn industrialists handle the problem of meaty chicks, so let us handle just Six Sigma today. Six Sigma aims real high, with
99.9996% effectiveness, and I kid you not.

That translates into 3.4 defects per million (DPO), meaning if you are to buy or download a million porn movies, the chances of you not turned on is 3.4 times. You might ask, 0.4? It can be explained. The 0.4 can come from 2 clips out of 5 clips that the DVD offers, that features short Johnsons humping away.

And just like traditional Japanese martial arts culture ("Sex is very much a battle itself" Master Miyagi of the Karate Kid fame), the Six Sigma honors each of it's achievers with colored belts. White Belt for beginners who produce amateur porn, Green for those who include at least one orgy scene in their porn and Black for those who can see nipples, breasts, penises or people humping from clouds of just about any shape.

I, for one, is about to be a certified White. That doesn't impress much people in Malaysia, but in Japan, I am somebody. I can walk down the streets of Fukhikiu and buy porno at 15% discount. I can even get behind the scene shots and deleted scenes for absolutely free. Autographed DVDs at half the price, and even meet-and-greet session with the stars. How cool is that?

Just when you thought that engineering was boring.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I Am...

The fedora is next on my "to buy" list.
Disclaimer: No it's not ripped from his album cover, I drew that with my bare mouse!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Cheating 101

Best explanation to be given when your partner ask about the other person you were seen togehter with (a.k.a. the cheatee):

For guys:
"Oh, silly darling, she is my cousin la."

For girls:
"Oh, silly darling, he is my cousin la."

Even more convincing;

For guys:
"Oh, silly darling, she is my cousin la. She got boyfriend already wan."

For girls:
"Oh, silly darling, he is my cousin la. He's gay wan."

They won't ask anymore, cuz you make them sound harmless now;

"I introduce to you one day la okay?"

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Break The Ice

I am crazy.
I'm in too deep.
I'm so excited, I just can't sleep.
Every time she's done, I can't resist it.
Hit me baby, one more time.
Yeah, I just couldn't get enough of her.
Gimme gimme more, gimme gimme.

She's been haunting me all day, all night for weeks now.
In the office, in the car.
In the living room, in the shower.
And I haven't got bored of her yet.

Most contenders will just lose out after (maximum) a whole day of devoted attention.
But she proved that this is a true champ.

Though she wasn't as hot as she used to be, but she is much more slutty now.
Which did her good.
And I'm totally all hers.

Who am I talking about?
None else, but the great princess herself...


BRITNEY SPEARS!




Err, I mean, Britney Spears!
That's more like it.


And if you think that I have been doing her for all day for weeks, sad to say you're wrong. Cuz if I did so she'll be super slim by now, and super healthy and super satisfied

I'm talking about her latest single, Break The Ice.
It's ADDICTIVE. Trust me.

I have 3 versions of that song; (I hated the techno-ed ones, the original tune is whack) the album version, the Fabolous rap and the other one with a different "I like this part" version.

I listened to almost all of the posted search results found in this website, just to find one with the best quality to download. Click on it if you want to download

And I think that her music video is better than Bleach and 5 year olds cartoon Naruto. Go youtube and find it yourself, embedding is disabled by the Pop Princess herself

Though people said that she's too ugly now, that she dare not appear in the video. My say, I think so too. Nevermind, that is still a kick-ass track, Britney. You better slim down quick and stop lip-synching and outdo Beyonce.

I caya sama lu!

Monday, June 16, 2008

You Know That You're Old When...

  • Mix FM is playing all your favorite tunes, down right to the most wicked ones (Backstreet's back, alright!).
  • Credit card salespersons in malls see you as a potential customer and bug you to apply for their credit card.
  • People around you talk about cars, vacation, watches, their bosses, the slutty secretary, politics, world disasters, buying properties, investments and real sex, not imaginary ones.
  • 2.70 is a painful figure to you in a very personal way.
  • McDonald's, KFC and Pizza Hut are not "expensive food" anymore.
  • You talk about your high school and uni days with dreamy eyes, reminisce about the good old days, and share your experiences with others.
  • And most of the listeners are kids younger than you.
  • And you end the conversation by saying "Savor your high school and uni life. It's the best time of my life".
  • Your friends fight to pay for the bill after a meal, and you feel obliged to join in the fun.
  • Friends and class mates that you have not met for a long time greet you with a warm hand shake, followed by their name cards.
  • They call their name card "business card".
  • You start to think that shirts tucked into pants actually look good.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Mr. W's Office Escape Improvisation

Cerita ini adalah fiksyen, tetapi mempunyai fakta-fakta menarik untuk anda diaplikasikan dalam ofis. Dan perkataan bahasa Inggeris yang ditranslasikan amat humor.

To escape from the office without any detection, one must possess the right skills and knowledge to do so. Even more important for those who wanna leave early or come in late.

Here is a slice from Mr. W, learn from the best.

First week of work:
Bring bag, water bottle, pencil box.
Turn on computer every morning, shut it down every evening.
Clean work place before he leaves.

Escape Rating: Impossible
Visibility: Even the blind sees him

Second week of work:
Bring bag, water bottle, pen.
Turn on computer every morning, shut it down every evening.
Do not arrange things in work place back in order.

Escape Rating: Very Difficult
Visibility: As easy as spotting a gay in Momo

Third week of work:
Do not bring bag, just a file and logbook.
Leave pen and water bottle on the table.
Turn on computer every morning, shut it down every evening.
Work place is a mess.

Escape Rating: Moderate
eVisibility: He's like a shadow unseen during daylight, camouflages in the night.

Forth week of work:
Goes to work empty handed.
Leave a file, pen, water bottle and logbook on table.
Log in computer every morning, log off every evening.
Work place looks busy with equipments and things all over.

Escape Rating: Effortless
Visibility: He's like the wind... Don't even know if he's here or not. Ultimatum

Monday, June 02, 2008

The Call

No, it's not that Backstreet Boys song I'm referring to.

I just got THE call!


My lecturer, that is. And he mentioned that he'll be coming over for a visit on 12th June, next Thursday.

At 9.00 a.m. !!