Monday, February 26, 2007

Adam & Eve Part 1

A man is attractive when:
He knows how to dress up, speaks well, have great sense of humor, well groomed, confident, warm and friendly.

A woman is attractive when:
She wears bikini top.

A man is sexy when:
He has got a tight muscular body, has an attitude and style.

A woman is sexy when:
She wears bikinis, top and bottom.

A man is charming when:
He is good looking, has stares that captivates, pays attention to you, buys you drinks and wears nice perfume.

A woman is charming when:
She wears bikinis.

A man is sweet when:
He remembers birthdays and anniversaries, sensitive, does nuisance sweet lil' things like writing notes, buys flowers and gifts.

A woman is sweet when:
She wears bikinis and smiles.

And finally...

A man is a famous blogger when:
He squeezes every single bit of that brain juice out to think of the funniest thing to write about, takes nice pictures to complement the post, puts up a nice template, sells his soul to the devil and be a publicity whore.

A woman is a famous blogger when:
She wears bikinis and take photos in it.

Quoting Justin Timberlake:
"Now tell me is this fa-a-i-i-r?"

Sunday, February 25, 2007

My New Pet Dog


She arrived in a box. Yes, in a box. I looked at her, and she stared back. This is definitely the one I wanted, I smiled to myself. Some said that she's too huge. Others said that she looks aggressive. But I know that she's the right one for me the moment I saw her.

What a beauty.

She's black, fully black and that makes her unique. Some said I should have taken the golden one, or the brown, and another even recommended a different breed for me. No way. My mind is set on her already, my black dog. Black bitch to be precise.

Very macho indeed, my little Monster. Yes, I'm naming her Monster. Cute name for a black bitch, right? Well I now proudly have joined ranks with the likes of Paris Hilton and Co. for having one. Well, enough said. Wanna take a peek at my dog?

Yes, this is the black bitch I'm talking bout.

Confused? Introducing my new fashion accessory, the Oakley Monster Dog. Yea, that's the name. Polarized Iridium lens, baby!

Respect the halo

At least I'll have something to play with when I'm bored. Damn, it's sure fun to have a bitch around huh? And a piece of sunglasses too.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Isolation & Ang Pow Selection

It's Friday night and I'm locking myself in my room, staring at the computer screen. What the hell is wrong with me? Well, nothing is wrong actually. I'm trying hard to adapt back to my Johor lifestyle. Yup. To prevent the whole culture shock thing. Sad stuff.

HAIH. I'm living double lives!

So here I am, on blogger. To rant more about Chinese New Year.

Right. Guys, ever wonder how do you select the right ang pow for small amounts?


ANG POW!

Yes folks. How to be kiam siap (stingy), give small ang pows with pride, without the fear of being ridiculed?

How do you stand tall in front of all your friends and relatives when you give, and yet let your RM2 ang pow go unrecognized by the recipient?


The answer? Simple. Use your brains lah, what else. Common sense.
Give small ang pows in "simple" packets, and big ones in bombastic packets.


It's like, who in the world would air brush, fix custom body kit, gold tint, neon lights, roof scoop, carbon fibre hood, aeroplane GT wings and 20" Enkei rims on a pathetic 660cc Kancil?

Wait... Such people exists.

So just don't give people the wrong impression on what is inside with your fancy outer coating. Still in a blur? Here are some examples of TO USE and TO DISCARD for you dumb kiam siap fellas:


You'll never go wrong fitting RM2 in these packets:


SIMPLY RED
Red, simple designs, normal sizes. Camouflages easily among all the other ang pows.
On spermicide, condomized, taken pills and undies on. 100% safe.


BIG PRINTS
These are okay too, though they're quite decorative.
On thin 002 condoms. Still safe.


Packets to avoid:


EXTREME SIZES
Either too small, or too big. Like the one in the middle. People will admire these 'cute' packages and remember you, so please do NOT fall prey to it.
Unprotected, using rhythmic method on the 3rd day after menstruation. Playing with fire.


WRONG OCCASION
People will laugh and joke over it, and when they open the package, they'll make bad jokes about how stingy you are.
Unprotected, premature ejaculation on the 7th day after menstruation. Uh-oh.

CUTE ART WORK
Come to think of it, the majority of ang pow recepients are kids. And kids LOVE cartoons, even if they're already 18 (I still enjoy watching Tom & Jerry). So beware, though it's of regular size and color, cartoons are a definite no-no.
Unprotected, three rounds.

STAND OUT COLORS
Giving white or gold ang pows is like giving your name cards away. And the recepient will remember the 2 thin RM1 note inside there for life.
3 months pregnant.

Any of you cursing any recognizable kiam siap giver(s) already?

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

CNY Should Be A Monthly Celebration

I would like to foremost apologize for my disappearance for the past few days. It's the Chinese New Year ya'll, respect the fact that I'm busy earning big bucks. Heheh.

Though it's the fourth day already, but I'm still so in the jolly new year mood.

No books, no work, no assignments, no projects, no lectures. I'm well fed with good food, clad in new clothes, chats with relatives from everywhere, and hell yeah I'm getting paid for just existing- Now this is life!

Now before I go on, I'd like to say that I'm real thankful for all the ang pows that I had and will receive, no matter the amount. Thank you for being married and kind, all you givers! If any of you read my blog, that is.

Wouldn't it be great if one Chinese Lunar year is equivalent to a 30 day month?

Imagine monthly ang pow-ing. Kuih kapit-ing. Drinking. Keong hee-ing. Cum-ing. (I like to spell kam/mandarin orange like that, cannot ah?) 15 days of CNY celebration every month.

Wow.

Everybody would wanna be a Chinese by then, unless they're married.

KUNG HEI FATT CHOY, GONG XI FA CAI, KEONG HEE HUAT ZAI to all!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Politely Rude

(Warning: Offensive content ahead. Proceed with caution. Parental guidance adviced.)

It's hard to be polite these days.

Gone are the days when people speak like this.

Gentleman1: Good day, Señor.
Gentleman2: Oh, what a pleasant surprise! Señor, what are you up to be seeing you in such a place?
Gentleman1: Haha.. Pardon me, I'm here for a movie. This new mall, Queensbay by the way, is just magnificent!
Gentleman2: Oh yes, I couldn't agree more! What movie you be watching, may I ask?
Gentleman1: This show by the name of Ghost Rider, oh, would you like to join me, Señor?
Gentleman2: Oh, I'd love to, but I'm meeting up with my fair princess for a cup of tea. Maybe next time, I presume?
Gentleman1: Aahh, sure thing, just feel free to dial my number and we can maybe go for a cup of coffee then.
Gentleman2: That'll be excellent. Now, I'd like to excuse myself, wouldn't want to be late for my meet up.
Gentleman1: Yes, please. Good day, Señor.
Gentleman2: Good day.

Nowadays?

Ah Beng: HOI! Ah Seng!
Ah Seng: Ehh.. Keong kan.. Beng! What the lan you doing here la?
Ah Beng: Come watch movie la cibai! Wah this Queensbay Mall sipeh syok ah!
Ah Seng: Kanina, just come out from jungle ah. Never see mall before meh? What movie you watch?
Ah Beng: Ghost Rider la. Want to watch or not?
Ah Seng: Watch what lan. Lim peh come dating lah. Cibai dowan to jio earlier. Next time lah bladi fool.
Ah Beng: Can no problem. Call me lah lan jiao! We go Stabaks lim kopi.
Ah Seng: Hanna, hanna. Dowan talk d lah, lim peh late liao. Chao.
Ah Beng: Fuck off lah.
Ah Seng: Go fuck yourself lah.

I mean, what used to be offensive and crude have become a common practice to us. For example the word "nigger" now sounds cool instead of rude? Even this local rapper calls himself a chink now, and guess what, he makes it sound as if it's real cool.

Weird.

Nowadays, people tend to think that you're not casual if you do not swear.
You are not sociable if you do not swear.
You are not comfortable to be around with.
You are not being honest and transparent.
You have something to hide.
You are trying to keep a reputation.
You are not being yourself.


Weird. Real weird.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a brand new world where manners is a conversational barrier. Real true friends swear to each other.

What's wrong with the world, mama?

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Dial-Ups: A Joke?

I'm using dial-up connection at home. And so before you go on laughing at me and all that, I'd like to ask you guys this question:

VERY FUNNY MEH? HAH?


Seriously, you guys need to be a lil' more considerate. You guys upload Podcasts as blog entries, link people to youtube.com for videos of how-the-hell-would-I-ever-know-what-that-is-I'm-on-dial-up, load like dozens of 2560×2048 pictures in your entry and all that, then HOW THE HELL WILL I EVER GET TO VIEW YOUR BLOG THAT WAY?

Why so inconsiderate?

Imagine this. Some young ulu kid, Julius Helikopter Anak Abdul Measat with a very bright future as a celebrity blogger that stays somewhere deep in the jungles of somewhere ulu, had just installed telephone lines in their atap house.

Eager to explore the vast world of information, he connected the phone line into his Pentium 233 MHz computer and dialed 1515.


Dialing... (tit tot tit tot)

(kiii... ktong ktong... kreeekk kreekk...)

Julius: Eh, bunyi macam cengkerik!
(Hey, sounds like a cricket!)


Verifying username and passsword...

Registering your computer to the network...

Julius: Dah masuk pun!
(I'm in!)

(Heart skips a beat)


Inilah Internet! Baiklah mari aku lihat apakah itu blog...
(This is the Internet! Okay, now let me see what's a blog...)


(takes a peek at a video blog)
Apa ni? Mengapa kena tunggu lama ni? Biar aku cuba yang lain.
(What's this? Why must I wait this long? Let me try another.)

(surfs over a photo blog)
Apa gambar-gambar setengah aje ni?
(Why do I only see half the pictures?)

(frustrated)
Cilaka cabai busuk... Bangang betul benda blog ini!
(Condemned smelly chilli... This blog thing is retarded!)

Pi belah la buang masa aje!
(Go to hell, this is just a waste of time!)
(surfs over to seks melayu)

Ladies and gentlemen. That is the devastating effects of all your inconsiderate doing. A young innocent kid turning to porn because he was frustrated with blogs. Tragic.

No, I do not turn over to porn after getting frustrated with those "heavy" blogs. I seriously don't.

Now can anybody confirm that it's really Britney in that clip and not some look alike, like Jenna Jameson or Cynthia?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I Am A Pastor

This is so wrong. Anybody can be a Bible scholar now.


You know the Bible 98%!

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

Guys Say The Darnest Thing

You can always trust your guy friends to give you the darnest, dumb-est, out-of-this-world-est advices when it comes to relationship issues.

I remember talking to some of them when I was at my down point after a bad lost in a relationship:

Situation 1
Wan Yean: Dude. I woke up feeling shitty again. She's haunting my mind.
Friend: Aiyah, go back to sleep lah.
Wan Yean: But I've gotta attend lab.
Friend: Then kill two birds with one stone. Go to sleep, no need to attend boring lab AND it rids your headache.

There's this once I felt real miserable and, well:

Situation 2
Wan Yean: Hey. I feel shitty.
Friend: What heartache song is stuck in your mind now?
Wan Yean: Erm. Michelle Branch's Goodbye To You, Sheryl Crow's First Cut Is The Deepest, Nelly Furtado's All Good Things?
Friend: Now look, they're all female artistes! Be a man now, guys don't fret over heart aches!
Wan Yean: What about Three Doors Down's Here Without You?
Friend: They are sissy boy bands! Doesn't count, alright? Now go be a man.
Wan Yean: I thought you had a crazy heartache back then too.
Friend: Says who? I dump girls and they cry, not me. Now go and listen to some womanizing Sean Paul and Snoop Dogg.

I had been turned down by a girl. So I just talked a lil' to them:

Situation 3
Wan Yean: I don't know what's wrong.

Friend: If the first you don't succeed, get yourself up and try again.
Wan Yean: Like, how? I'm not myself in front of her. Lose all my words and all that, she sweeps me off my feet!
Friend: Go give her the biggest gift you can afford. Like, a handphone. Go look up for poems online, or maybe from Shakespeare. Memorize it, and recite it out. I know girls. She wants you to try harder. She wants you to use your level 16 ultimate already.
Wan Yean: Yeah, that'll do, I guess.
Friend: Then grab her by the neck, and kiss her. Kau tim.
Wan Yean: You're a genius!

When I was considering all the chicks around me:

Situation 4
Wan Yean: What do you think, who suits me best?

Friend: Come again with the choices?
Wan Yean: Okay, Jessica is an outgoing girl, pretty face, Sazzy is a lil' bit shy but she is very nice to talk to. Hannah is just gorgeous, but she's a lil' childish.
Friend: I mean, bra size dude. Who's got a D among the three?
Wan Yean: Erm, none? I think Jessica's C though.. She's hot and her blow..
Friend: Forget it. None of them are worthy.
Wan Yean: Come again?
Friend: They aren't chicks 'til they're D.
Wan Yean: But Jessica gives amazing hot blow...
Friend: That is just so gay, alright? Go find a real girl, a D cupper!
Wan Yean: Your girl looks A to me.
Friend: So don't repeat my mistake!

The outcome of all their advices?

The first:
I missed my lab, and for being absent I was unable to complete my report. I still feel shitty after waking up. Wait, I was awake, I couldn't sleep back after that. I felt shitty the whole morning.

The second:
After listening to those wicked tunes I was ready to flirt. Then I realised that I was in UTM. Double the pain.

The third:
Wan Yean: Hey. I've got a lil' gift from you. It's nothing, actually.
Girl: So sweet of you. Oh my God you bought me a HANDPHONE?!
Wan Yean: Yeah. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more fair, ...
Girl: I cannot accept this gift. It's too expensive and I won't know what to tell my boyfr...
(Grabs her neck, forces my tongue into her mouth)
Wan Yean: LOVE ME!
Girl: Help! You're... choking... me!
Wan Yean: Stop screaming! You're biting on my tongue!

Her body is still undiscovered 'til today.

The fourth:
That's the reason why I'm still single.

Anymore advices from them and I'm gonna turn gay. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

Check This Out

Your Love Style is Eros

For you, love is all about the passion!
And chances are, you're currently in love.
You have a strong physical response to love...
And you are great at committing
(As long as the person makes your toes curl!)
What's Your Love Style?

Question: Does Eros stands for Erotic(s)?

Monday, February 12, 2007

Kenny! At The Disco

Some people might sell their soul to the devil for this. I was in the same club where Kenny Sia was last Friday. How would you feel to meet a celebrity blogger in a club?

Well I was just pleasantly surprised that he was there. Nope, I didn't recognize who he was, but so happen a friend of mine told me that he was there.

I texted Ben about it, since that guy is a blogging junkie.

"hey, im in the same club as kenny sia"

And his reply?

"ooooooooaaaaahhh! what did you do?"

Dude, what do you want me to do?

First of all, I'm a homo sapien with XY chromosomes. Not some dingo bimbo who worships Kenny.

Well, I did actually thought of what I could've done:

(Approaches Kenny)
Hi. I'm Wan Yean, I'm a blogger too. You are, Kenny Sia rite? Well I like your work. It's like blogging is in your blood. Oh, I hope you will drop by my blog one day.

Erm, can I shake your hand? Cuz it'll be soooo awesome, I mean, too awesome to be able to shake your hand! That's.. that's the hands that typed all the entries! Here, can I have a photo with you?

(Camwhores away)

Dude, you're awesome! I'm posting all these pictures up in my blog, and I think I'll frame the one where I licked your cheeks. Would you mind signing my shirt? That'll be cool! Oh my God, that's just freaking great!

Keep up the good work! (Pats Kenny) And well, after the party if you wanna hang out at some mamak, I've got some good recommendations! Aight, see you around (Gives Kenny a hug) will be waiting for you at the exit right.


Nah. I'm definitely not a wimp who adores him, unlike some of you guys.

And I surely don't want the unnecessary publicity of talking about some gay blogger who spoiled his night.

After you, Ben. Heheh.

What did I do that night, you asked?

Had a great time dancing my ass off with great company. And did feel a lil' unhappy for not blogging more, thus causing me to lose all my viewers and thus making me less popular. Damn.

Didn't knew you were there, Eve. Shite, that's for not having your phone number. Heheh.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

2006

I know it's a little late for this, but I type it out already, so there you go. I don't give a damn.

Well I ain't really that kinda guy who would pause to ponder and wonder about what happened through out the year, how it was, remember about the tears and laughter, all the bullshit NAH it's just not me.


(In front of a big crowd of friends at mamak)
Wan Yean: Guys, as I look back, I really thank God that I have you guys as my friends.
(Friends nudging one another)
Wan Yean: You remember that moment when the motorcycle got a puncture and we had to both walk a mile Ben? That was the shittiest thing ever happened but it was okay though. (Laughs)
(Friends mumbling)
Wan Yean: And oh, oh! Remember when we kicked the arrogant guys' asses in Blue Server during Dota? Oh we so rocked!
(Friends counting: 3...2...)
Wan Yean: And who can forget that moment when we cried together when we heard about Steve Irwin's death? Oh that's just tragic! (Sobs a lil')
(1... Now!)
Wan Yean: And when we mastu...
(Ben does the headlock, Fei Zai does the bear hug)
Friends: Now whoever the hell you are, you better tell us what's your intention impersonating Wan Yean!

Yeah, that's the right thing to do if ever I go on reminiscing. Cuz that just ain't me.

BUT, for your sake, (yeah, you the one reading this right now) I'm gonna give a short account of what happened last year. Maybe I can look back into this entry 25 years down the road and test my memory if I'd remember that much.

Events! (Not in chronological order)

Sister's wedding: Sure feels good to be dressed up nicely. I ain't talking bout the bride nor the groom. Damn I look good!

Taking part in a futsal competition: For a moment I really thought that I was Steven Gerrard.

Short sem workshop: The first time ever all of my friends are living on the same level at the same block. Hated it at first, but was quite fun and rewarding in a sense.

Blogs Malaysia: Got listed! Only once. Sigh.

Major mindfuck: Never knew that I could be so fucked. Nah it's all behind me now.

Car: I'm driving a Celica, dammit! I mean, Kelisa. Hey, sounds almost the same right?

Genting: Awesome... Dude!!

KL: Not bad... Was fun running around town with Desbo.

Singapore: (With Wayan's tone) Shopping!

Bee sting:
God, why did you made that evil irritating creature in the begining? I'm referring to that Borat guy.

Exam flop: My pointer dropped like it was hot! 3.76 to 3.63 to 3.03, dammit I need to study!

Jessica Alba and Hannah Tan threesome: Damn you alarm clock. I was about to... Nevermind.

SME: No, not small medium entrepreneurs. It's Society of Manufacturing Engineers. Am part of it now, am more disciplined now.

THE Blog: Still ain't as hot as Kenny Sia's blog. I need publicity! Still too lazy to change to a new template.

That's all that I could think of. Now go tell the whole world about my blog, you !