Thursday, December 13, 2007

He's Gone

It's like I lost a member of my body.

Papa passed away yesterday night.

I miss him.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Digi's Yellow Coverage Fellow Murdered

Oh my God he's dead!!



Oh my God he's dead again!!



I thought I was watching Happy Tree Friends.

This is sort of a response to Ben's recent post about the Yellow Coverage Fellow, or in short YCF. Yes, that is his/their official name. Seems like a huge bunch of people are irritated at the YCF, though I beg to differ.

In my opinion, Digi's marketing plans have by far been the best among the three operators, with the launch of Fu-yoh and YCF. The fact that they are able to remain competitive in the business even with setbacks of not getting the licenses for 3G and WiMax is already a prove of their superior marketing and advertising strategies.

Personally, I think in terms of the TV ads, Hotlink's You Don't Have To Live Like This ads are better than the YCF ads. It's just that one thing lacking from Hotlink is for them to associate something, a mascot for example or maybe a tag line that can be incorporated into their image maybe.

Maybe if they used the same guy for all the three ads, they've got something there. Remember Gary, from the early 8TV commercials? That's what I mean. Remember Gary, remember 8TV. Remember YCF, remember Digi.

What's there for Hotlink and X-Pax?

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Shit Happens: How To Waste 2 Hours Of Your Morning

It's as if I'm starring in the movie Just My Luck.

First, as I was reaching Johor, I dozed off into a deep slumber. It's as if I'm sleeping on Dreamland queen size mattress with 2 beautiful masseur getting their oily hands all over me. But when I opened my eyes, I realized that my deep slumber got me into deep shit. I missed my supposed stop, and I landed at Larkin, some RM15 away from the place I intended to be.

Never mind, I told myself. I got enough, money in the bank for the (two of us).

After reaching my friend's house, the cab driver complained that it was far, and all that. So how? He said he wanna raise it to RM16.
Pak cik, are you Chinese? How come katok me an extra RM1 also you so syok la? Take la, take la. I'm finally here, dammit its okay.

So as planned, I've taken the house key from Ben earlier so that I have access to the house.

First lock, the gate.
Key in, twitch, level one security cleared.

I walked in and proceeded onto level two security, the grill door.
Same thing, key in, twitch, cleared.

Now the wooden door.
Final hurdle before I can go in and brush my teeth, bathe, go online, rest, change my clothes, watch porn, waste my life on Facebook, play MTV Room Raiders, eat up their snacks, drink their beers.

So same thing; key in, twit... Wait. The key is too fat and thick to fit in such a tight cleavage! Must be the hole's a virgin, or Ben gave me the wrong key. I searched through the keys again, and no, there ain't any other keys.

DAMMIT.

Open sesame didn't work.

I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. Never mind. Don't panic. Adrian's girlfriend is around, she must have locked it. So I gave her a ring, and she's in the Uni.

Great, err, can you come over and open up the door for me? What, no? You're busy now? What time will you be free? EVENING??!!!

I think she hates me.

Nevermind, I'll just, somehow walk to the taxi stand, take a cab over and take the keys from you, okay?
Then suddenly it rained like mad. I had to take refuge at the house's small enough porch, and my only companion is my laptop. And I feel like taking a dump. Help.
I think Thi Gong (Sky God) hates me too.

She called again, checking on me and asking how am I doing. What am I supposed to say, I'm fine, enjoying my view? She asked me to hang in there, and even suggested things that I can do to past time. Well, at least she's playing it nice, and I just said take your time (dammit, I can't wait).

I think she likes me.

So I snooped around, thinking of what to do. Thank God I brought my laptop along. Lo and behold, my camera was with me too! Maybe I can camwhore a lil' to pass the time. Took a shot, and I thought no, I won't do that again. Despicable, humiliates mankind.

That's me, the camera, and the laptop screen, through thick and thin.

Adrian's girlfriend (I still don't know her name) called again. This time she brought better news, she'll come around 11 plus. I looked at my watch and it's barely 9. Well, at least that's better than the evening. She asked me to hang in there.

I think she hates that she likes me.

Spent the last 45 minutes writing this up, and it's 9.49 a.m. now, with another hour plus to waste.

I'm dirty, hungry, cold, tired, holding my rectum in dire need of a toilet bowl and feeding the mosquitoes around here.

9.57 a.m.
I feel like breaking the damn door.

Random thoughts are popping out of my tired brains now.

10.06 a.m.
I'm just too bored, hence I'm listing all the songs down that's popping out randomly on my Winamp. Look below.

If I was in America, I can bloody write a Bestseller book after I get through all this.

10.17 a.m.
There are 26 bars on the house's gate, and my laptop has got 65% of power left.

Namewee of the Negarakuku fame would be the most successful Malaysian rapper ever if he releases an album, and might even be offered a place in LMF.

10.24 a.m.
I'm supposed to go to Singapore today.

10.42 a.m.
Damn, I accidently hit the power button and I had to restart my laptop. That caused my laptop to be left with 45% power. Tolonglah bertahan 'til 11.

Songs enough for 2 hours:

Fall Out Boy - I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way I'm Always Trying To Get You Off (Me & You)

Natasha Bedingfield ft Sean Kingston - Love Like This

Keyshia Cole ft Missy Elliot & Lil Kim - Let It Go

Fergie ft Ludacris - Glamorous

Baby Bash ft T-Pain - Cyclone

Boys Like Girls - The Great Escape

Lifehouse - The First Time

The Fabolous Catz - Papa Jahat

Ungu - Kekasih Gelapku

Soulja Boy - SOulja Girl

Chris Brown - Wall To Wall

Colbie Cailat - Bubbly

Timbaland ft Nelly Furtado & JT - Give It To Me Aetoms Remix

Justin Timberlake - Rock Your BOdy Beatbox Version

Mason vs Princess Superstar - Perfect (Exceeder)

Earth, Wind & Fire - September

Bon Jovi - YOu Give Love A Bad Name

Sean Kingston ft Paula DeAnda - There's Nothin'

Marty Casey - Trees

T-Pain ft Akon - Bartender

Jack Johnson - Breakdown Handsome Boy Modeling School Remix

Mims - Like This

Nickelback - Rockstar

Justin Timberlake ft Beyonce - Until The End Of Time

Nelly - Wadsyaname

James Morrison - You Give Me Something

It's 11.02 a.m., and I saw her Kelisa strolling over. Thank God I didn't poop in my pants.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Posters

I know my blog has been depressing for the past few days. Here's something light; some interesting posters that I snapped from the Government Hospital where papa is at.

Poster No. 1
In case you can't see it properly; wow, what a tag line:

Fresh from the breast, definitely the best!

Poster No. 2
Somebody explain to me what that poster means?
Maybe,
Beware of handshake, you can get AIDS!
Or
Keep your hats on, if you love your life.
Perhaps
Construction workers wears condoms. Do you?

By far the best poster I'd say

Scares the hell out of me, and made me regret for taking those joyride puffs back then.

Will be journeying back to JB tonight since I've gotta attend a ceremony in my uni, and will be back in Penang only by Saturday.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Second Time Round

While waiting for the lift with papa, there was a loud thud behind us outside the window. I turned around, and saw a still body lying on the floor, face down, out cold.

I saw a man committed suicide today.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Death On The Opposite Bed

Death. The transition of a person's body into nothing more than a mass of object. The departure of humanly emotions, feelings and life from the physical into the ethereal, often accompanied by a turmoil of expressions from close relatives. Death. Unpredictable, inevitable.

The patient opposite papa's bed passed away two nights ago. Audible mourns and cries of anguish sent chills and discomfort down papa's heart. Even I felt uneasy watching the drama right before my eyes.

I held papa's hands as he recited the Lord's prayer. I prayed for him too, while I whispered in my heart for wisdom from above on how to be a channel of the Almighty's comfort and peace.

Amidst the trouble, he slept well that night. And we both learned something valuable; willpower and optimism are crucial in our lives.

With God, death is not a tragedy, but a triumphant victory and freedom over the physical.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

When Pain Is Good

Papa will be hospitalized for some time, and for the moment he won't be mobile. He lost control over the lower part of his body due to some complications on the spinal cord, and papa needs to undergo radiotherapy as part of the treatment.

I could only watch helplessly as papa goes through the excruciating pain of his suffering, the sensation that burns deep within his bones and back. Papa has been on morphine for some time now, which provides him a temporary relief from the anguish.

Even so, he still had to grieve over the pain when the effect is over. Increasing the dosage or regularity is not a good option, and hence there is none much that can be done.

It breaks me to watch him go through such torment. Massaging his feet is something that he enjoys, and so I did just that to alleviate his pain. Being the novice at this, I sometimes press too hard, which cause him to let out a sigh. I apologized, but he said that it was okay. Pain is good; he mentioned, as it indicates that he can still feel.

Pain is good.

That is hard to take in after seeing him going through so much, but it is true after all. Pain is a good indication, though not as pleasant. Else everyone will be cutting themselves to just feel an orgasm of the injury.

When it pains papa to sit through the therapy, he knows it is good because it indicates the treatment is working within him.

When it pains you to watch someone you love go through agony, it is good because it indicates then that you genuinely care for the person.

When it pains you when your loved one had to go away for long, it is good because it indicates that you are truly in love.

When it pains your heart to be hurt by an unworthy jerk, it is good because it indicates that you are human and you have emotions.

Pain makes us human. It reminds us that we are mortal beings. Above all, pain teaches us about life; the lessons untaught by men.

What papa is going through now is a lesson for me to learn how to love people with actions, and what love really is.

Be strong, papa.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Just Glad To Be Home

The drive took us 8 hours, with stops at Nilai, Sungai Buloh for Sate Kajang and one more stop at some place that I don't remember to take a leak. Had a detour to the hospital before finally heading home. Dad wasn't doing so well, but there was gladness in his face when he saw us. Things aren't working out perfectly good, but we are sure glad to have one another.

I'm thank God for giving me a family. We draw strength out of one another when times get hard, and we rejoice together when the skies are clear.

God has given me a loving family from the day I was born. It's the best birthday gift I've ever had.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

My Birthday

So I'm turning 22, and I was wondering;

Should I put up a big entry and be an attention whore, dying for wishes from people all over and syok sendiri?

Should I reduce myself to such a shallow being, and be as eager as an expectant child for candies and lollipops and wait... Nobody can give me candy anyways online. Damn that's worse than shallow.

Should I shout it out loud to people and do my best to drill it into their heads that they will remember this day as my birthday? Put up multiple entries?

Should I be like Ced?

Oh please, I'm straight.

And I thought of it too, what's the biggie, now that I turn one year older? Why the celebration, why the cake with candles?

Why don't people celebrate more meaningful events like, the day you first watched porn, the day you first ate Penang Char Koay Teow, the day you first get Beyond Godlike in Dota, the day you first scored?

Damn, I don't remember those.

Anyways, I'm here to wish another dear friend of mine, the guzzler, the adventurous girl (it's a genetic trait, her mum is Korean, and you tell me now the dad ain't an adventurous guy) who so happens to share the same birthday as mine!

Go get a crazy bash, EVE LEE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Cool people are born on 15th November, right? Just a reminder, don't get yourself pissed drunk. Speeds up the aging process :D

Okay guys, a comment with a happy birthday would do no harm after all. Go ahead, gimme gimme more! Gimme gimme!

Monday, November 05, 2007

The Censorship Board Within You

You know what I hate?

I hate the film censorship board. I hate the music censorship board.

I hate them for bitching around my movies and music and snipping out what they deemed as inappropriate to the audience.

I hate it when the scene jumps from one to another.

I hate it when my song has got all sorts of beeps and horns and screeching sounds in between.

I hate them for ruining what should've been a wholesome presentation and expression of art.

But I do understand what they do are for the greater good of the younger generation. And I also do understand that they are doing their job responsibly to keep the airwaves clean.

I DO understand. Really.

Plus, I can purchase pirated uncensored DVDs to catch the lost scenes, so I guess it's okay.

But do you know what irks me more than them? I just don't understand what goes through their air heads.

Let's just start with a question here. "Have you ever f**king encountered this kinda bulls**t writings in the wide open space of the motherf**king Internet?"

Or, are you a contributor of all these kind of self censorship s**t? Do you add the stars *** to your own words to hide the vulgar meaning that it carries?

If you are one of these nonsense, then listen up. What do you think you're trying to do, huh? Censoring your own words for the Nobel Peace Prize?

Okay, so you think you're cool and macho and popular and hood all that by swearing. But at the same time you don't wanna blurt the swear words out because your conscience tells you not to, and your mum might spank you.

So what do you do?

You censor yourself. Win-win situation, right? You appear cool, and you don't get spanked by your mama?

C'mon now, here's a fact for your brain to take in.

Censoring yourself WILL NOT make you look more decent, nor will it make you look any cooler.

You wanna be vulgar? Fine, who the fuck cares?

You wanna be decent? Then for karma's sake, please watch your words.

By typing like a f#%king dyslexic will only make you look like a pre-puberty kid. Be a man. Self censorship is crap. Grow up, tween.

p/s: I'm amazed by myself. So much hate. Heheh.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Bad Elbow

Or "buruk siku" in Malay, is a name given to people who borrow things and do not return them to the owner.

People who are selfish enough to keep the things they borrowed and pretend as if the stuff are his already.

People who might even start avoiding you after borrowing things from you, and would say things like, "oh, so sorry! I'll return you tomorrow okay?" but is nowhere to be seen from that day onwards.

People who are inconsiderate and have no conscience that can live through each day without guilt.

People who'd be better off invisible and stay that way so that they will not interfere with your life.

People who are like... Oh darn I got carried away. I thought I was supposed to be scolding someone here.

Err, let me rephrase everything for you guys again.

People who are handsome that unintentionally forget to return the things that they had borrowed some time ago.

This may be due to many reasons, such as:
  • Stylishly forgotten that the item has not been returned,
    (oh that is not a big deal right? Totally forgivable)
  • Good-lookingly unaware that he had actually borrowed that item,
    (It's human to forget, we're not computer RAMs. Pardoned with love)
  • Or even masculinely contracted a slight Alzhemia which might have erased his gorgeous memories about that particular borrowing incident.
    (Oh it's okay then. Please, rest those tired minds. Those items are just a small issue)

Nobody's perfect, right?

Since their looks are already so perfect, they might lack the memory power of remembering to return stuff.

I hope I managed to set you in the right mood before you view these, especially if you are the owner of the item(s).

And also, sempena Hari Raya Puasa, marilah kita bermaaf-maafan, berzahir-zahiran dan berbatin-batinan.

Ok, here goes. Things that I dug out from the depths of my room and realized they don't belong to me.

Item No. 1:

This is so old skool. The Fast and The Furious VCD which belongs to Desmond.
Nice movie? Yes.
Good quality? Crystal clear.
Pirated? Of course!
I mean, we're living in Malaysia anyway, right?

Item No. 2:
The first installment of Resident Evil, also in VCD format. Belongs to Julian Chow. Pirated too. Else I won't get to watch Milla's naked body when she fell at the end of the show. :D

Item No. 3:
The person I borrowed this from sure wouldn't remember owning this, cuz he doesn't. I borrowed this from my Angkenasawan friend, Ang CS. And apparently the VCD is not his, it's his friend's.
I recall him telling me, "Wei, kasi return me fast fast ok. I borrow from my friend one ah" and I nodded.
Well... It's been 5 years now. Sorry if I got you into any trouble with the owner of the VCD.
Moral of the story?
Don't lend to people things that don't belong to you. Heheheh...

Item No. 4:
Street Fighter Zero 2 Computer Game CD. Now this CD is really, really old, and it belongs to Mervin Lim. It's even stated there "For Windows 95 only", for heaven's sake.

Well, come to think of it, I'm doing those guys a favor by keeping these items, since they're pirated and it's my duty as a responsible friend to restrict them from these unlawful things right? What a good friend I am.


Item No. 5:
Sadly though, up til this day, there are no visible buffs that can be seen on my arms. My failed attempt to being like Vin Diesel (can't see myself bald either).
Item owned by Ming Yu, the guy that has only 3% fat mass in his body.

Item No. 6:
Jess Alba. It all started when I told her that I couldn't afford her. She just smiled and told me that it's okay, she'll just lend herself to me. So after doing borrowing her for the past years ever since I reached puberty, I'm still wondering how do I return her to her.

Item No. 7 (Coming Soon):The complete works of Dan Brown (half complete as of the picture), owned by Eve. If you don't come back soon, this will be in my shelf for a real, long time. Heheh...

Come to think of it, there are only 7 items? I am amazed with myself too.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Songs From My Winamp

Too lazy to write any shit. It's in my head, but not in the mood to bitch 'em out. Let these serenading songs do their magic. Bet you'll love them. The theme, songs with featured artists.

Click here to jump over: Wanster is a charming guy that makes all the girls can't wait to throw their panties away.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Dreams

Your worst nightmares happen when you wake up from your sweetest dreams.

I felt so, so shitty this morning, after waking up from a beautiful dream that seemed so real. She's gorgeous, stylish, subtle, sexy, posh, pretty and she's RICH!

She faded and blurred away as the alarm rang louder..

I woke up to find myself in UTM.

I hate reality.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Silly, Sillier, Silliest

Things that you despise but you know it is good for you:
  • Seat belt
  • Cardio exercise
  • Unchewable, rubbery vegetables
  • Condom
  • Queuing
  • Chicken breast meat
  • Flossing
  • Education
Things that you love but you know it is not good for you:
  • Alcohol
  • Dota
  • Large/Size-up fast food meals
  • Sleeping at 3 (or maybe 4)
  • Lesbian porn
  • A dozen donuts
  • Revving the car engine
  • Blueberry cheesecake
  • Snoozing the alarm clock
A combination of the both equals the silly things you do.
  • Sizing up your super oily fried chicken breast meat fast food meal
  • Wearing condom while watching lesbian porn, wishing you were part of the show
  • Studying while holding your third can of Budweiser in your hand
  • A whole lot other more that I did not mention
A silly that I did:
  • Queued for a freakin' hour for a dozen donuts for breakfast.
The sillier thing is:
  • I really think that it's all worth it. The freakin' donuts are freakin' good! They have a website too, Donut Factory, but it's quite plain. Google them out to see the reviews.
The silliest thing ever:
  • I'm gonna queue for them sweet O's again. It's just so freakin' good!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Daughtry

The Daughtry Experience, Singapore.


Yesterday.

Powerhouse, St. James Powerstation.

I was there.

Thanks to The Chin for getting me along.

And just when you're about to say "WAH, get to see Daughtry! So jealous!",

Hush.

Damn.

I didn't even get to catch a glimpse of him. That place is so freakin' crowded, a thousand others was turned away.

And as for me, I managed to get in there like, 30 minutes after the showcase started. Yeah, after he did It's Not Over and Home.

Damn.

Should've queued earlier.

But anyways, I did manage to hear him perform Over You. That's like a song that I totally adore, the smooth entrance, the great build up, the guitar solo, the sing-along chorus and the cool "I got over you" ending.

Hell yeah, at least it's worth the wait and all.

A lil' disappointed, but still a great experience. And don't feel bad for what happened, Chin. Thanks for the Almost Daughtry Experience. :D

And it was fun meeting your gossip group too :P

Sunday, September 16, 2007

She Didn't Believe Me

Me: You sound different.

Cel: Yea, I have sore throat.

Me: Oh my, you sound like a tranny!

Cel: Tranny? What's a tranny?

Me: Erm, it's short for Transformers.

Cel: What's Transformers has gotta do with my voice?

Me: Erm, because you sound like them. Yea, you know, like Optimus Prime's husky voice. That's Transformers' voice, hence tranny voice, got it?

Cel: I don't believe you... Tell me what is that Wan Yean!

Me: Serious lah... It's like Spiderman; they call him Spidey, Elizabeth; we call her Betty, vagina; we call it pussy. So, Transformers; tranny!

Cel: Don't bluff me! Quick, tell me what's a tranny!

She didn't believe me. I feel hurt. I am not trustworthy? Do I look like a liar, a swindler, a lawyer, a direct sales promoter, a conman, a politician, a cheating adulterer, a blogger?

Damn, else it would be fun if she goes about saying "Hey, I sound like a tranny!". Heh heh heh.

p/s: Seriously, tranny is short for transformer (not the movie or the cartoon though). It's an electronic component used in the industries and it is called a tranny by the technicians and floor people. Now, you know.

p/s2: Go and impress your friends and chicks with this.

p/s3: I'm not responsible for any riddicule or embarassment that follows after p/s2.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Man vs Metrosexual

Girl: Hmm, that smells nice. What perfume do you use?

Man: Oh, it's my after shave.

Girl: Hmm, that smells nice. What perfume do you use?

Metrosexual: Oh, it's my hydrating gel that I apply on after I pat my face with toner. It's either that, or it's my Estee Lauder's eye cream. You know, I've been working late a lot lately. Need to freshen up a lil'.

*****

Man: Hey, this is such a typical line, but you look familiar. Have we met before? Celebrity Fitness gym maybe?

Girl: Now that you mentioned, yeah you look familiar too. You're the one who always does the bar bell thingy with your legs lifted up high on the bench?

Man: Oh dear, you saw me doing that? I mean, that's not me then. Who'd do such an embarassing thing, right?

Girl: (giggles) No I'm sure it's not you then.

Man: Care for coffee then? Maybe we can spot who's that weird leggy guy.

Metrosexual: Hey, this is such a typical line, but you look familiar. Have we met before? Celebrity Fitness gym maybe?

Girl: Now that you mentioned, yeah you look familiar too. You're the one who always does the bar bell thingy with your legs lifted up high on the bench?

Metrosexual: Oh darling, the only time my legs are up sky high is during yoga. Oh I remember now! I'm in the same yoga class as you!

Girl: Oh, it's you. (giggles) the only guy in yoga class.

Metrosexual: And, and, aerobics too, you signed up for aerobics right? I swear I can remember that frizzy messy hair that you got on after each session. You should try putting on leave-on moisturizer, or maybe a bandanna or something if you really can't manage it. Care for coff.. Hey, I was talking to you!

Girl: Goodbye.


*****


Girl: Your lips... It's dry.

Man: You ready?

Girl: I'm sorry?

Man: This is the part where we'll kiss, right? To keep my lips moist, of course. (Girl blushes)

Girl: Your lips... It's dry.

Metrosexual: Oh my God, I so need my lip balm now... Dammit I left it in the car! Do you have any? Lip gloss will do too.


*****


Girl: Who's your favorite actress?

Man: I don't know, who's got the biggest boobs right now?

Girl: You're such a jerk.

Man: Okay, I'll try to remember a name. Uhm, you know that girl Tokyo Drift? You kinda remind me of her.

Girl: Really? Oh no, c'mon (blushes)

Man: Well, maybe not. I think she's got bigger boobs.

Girl: You ARE a jerk! (teasingly pinches the man)

Man: Okay, okay, why not let me have a closer look first?

Girl: Dream on, jerk. (still blushing)

Girl: Who's your favorite actress?

Metrosexual: Oh, I so worship Martha Stewart! Though she ain't exactly an actress, but she's just great, you know, with all the fame but still she remains so humble! There's just that aura surrounding her, I can feel it even though I'm just watching her on TV.

Girl: Martha, who?

Metrosexual: You DON'T know who Martha Stewart is? That's a crime against humanity! Stop watching MTV and please, put that TV into some good use. You know, there's this episode when she featured Cyndi Lauper, and she sang Time After Time, it was like the best ever episode. Both of them are just so radiantly glowing with the energy and, and, it just made me cry, I don't know understand it either.

Girl: Okay, let's change the topic. Oh no, why don't we just both keep quiet.


*****


Girl: Sure I look good in this?

Man: You look great, trust me. I've got an eye for details, and my eyes tell me that all your details are note worthy.

Girl: Sure I look good in this?

Metrosexual: You look great, trust me. I've got an eye for details, and my eyes tell me, urm, just one thing, I think the jeans is a little too crampy on your thighs, but it's still, acceptable. You still look great... Erm, hold on, is that a correct sized spag top you're wearing? It looks like you're tied with a rubber band over. Don't worry, you still look hot... Just layer on a cardigan or a jacket and you'll be sizzling. Oh, while you're on it, maybe you can add in a push-up. And put on a huge belt over to cover your protruding tummy okay? It's quite a handy trick to conceal it, you can thank me later.


Blame Ugly Betty for giving me all these weird ideas.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Self Induced Sex Is Lame

Wanking. First love. Self service. Shaking hands with the president. Chot. Phak chiu cheng (PCC/Play with hand gun). Personal happy hour. DFG (Not Daniel Frankling Gomez, it's Da Fei Gei) or TFK (Ta Fei Kei), direct translation beat aeroplane.

Masturbating.

Something that everybody does but nobody admits to it. But I know Woody Allen did. He said that it is a time when he have sex with someone he loves. And he also said:

"I am such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

I've gotta admit, that's funny but sorry Woody, but I find that lame.

Don't give me that look and call me a hypocrite. No, I'm not. I'm not here to condemn all ye wankers out there, nor am I trying to justify myself as the holy one. And no, I'm not saying that I'm wank-free, it's just...

I find it really lame.

I mean, having sex with yourself doesn't sound as good, right? But that's exactly what masturbating is. And it fits spot on into the description of go fuck yourself.

Guy: So, who have you been seeing for the past weeks?
Wanker: Oh, poster girls, models, celebs. The usual.
Guy: My oh my, somebody's finally found his purpose in life!
Wanker: Well, I've been seeing them since I was like, 13?
Guy: What, 13?! So how many have you shagged? Lost count?
Wanker: Well, just one.
Guy: I don't understand, well then she must be real hot I guess?
Wanker: No, they are all hot. Just that I shagged only one.
Guy: And she is..?
Wanker: Me.
Guy: ... Go fuck yourself.
Wanker: Yea, I will, later tonight. Now who should I do, Jessica Biel or Ali Carter?

I believe that sex is more than just orgasms. It's a wholesome process that involves all the 5 senses of 2 beings, and simulating your hand(s) as either a vagina, penis or asshole just don't cut it.

So, go shag someone today. Hiding in a private room or locking yourself in a toilet to have your blissful 3 minutes of delight is not considered as having a sex life.

Okay, I am not encouraging pre-marital sex, underage sex, beastiality, paedophilia, prostitution or rape here... Just sharing my thoughts. Don't sue me.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Free Hugs, Anyone?

No, you can't have that fluffy plush teddy for free.

If you guys are not well aware, this is actually a campaign organized by some hugs-deprived people who can't afford Lovely Lace soft toys for hugs-deprived people. It's a FUBU kinda thing. (FUBU means For Us By Us if you don't know).

It's basically about some fellas hitting the streets with big signs awaiting people to give them a hug. Here, check out some of the videos;

Juan Mann, the one who started it all.

It's in Sydney, I think.

Free Hugs campaign in Singapore.

I wouldn't mind hugging the girl. Heheh

This is in Korea. A bit failure la..

Someone commented "dare you to do this in North Korea". Haha

Free Hugs in Hollywood. The most macam-macam one.

Makes me wanna visit Hollywood.

I must admit, it is pretty heart warming. Whoever it is that came across these people sure left with smiling faces. An act of random kindness leads a long way.

Now anyone would be interested to organize this in Malaysia? I just might join you. No, I am not hugs-deprived. I'm just bored and in the mood to do something radical.

But then again, Malaysian streets are full of beggars, and if they come for a hug, err, don't video me running.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

That Familiar Feeling

He looked into the mirror and checked his hair. He then straightened his crumpled shirt, and removed a "khuai" of fallen hair off his shirt. Damn, he thought. I should have ironed the shirt, but heck I had not time. He took a deep breath, and got out of the car. Okay, here I go. Why am I here again? Well just, go.

And he started walking. The journey from ground floor to the top was casual, but deep inside him he felt a lil' uneasy. He found himself behaving in a very odd manner. He doesn't know where to put his hands. Just act natural. But what is natural? He suddenly felt very awkward. What the hell, he grumbled. This is ridiculous. It's just a meet up, so be casual and just act cool. No, don't act cool, act yourself.

But what is myself?


Shut up. You're almost there. And don't do anything stupid.

His eyes scouted the area. Nope, she's nowhere to be seen. He kept walking. His hands were cold, and his mind was empty. No scripts, no rehearsed lines, no idea what's gonna happen next. He was looking at his apparel again, giving it one final check up. He bit his lips, as he glanced at his own reflection when he passed a shop. This is absurd, get a hold of yourself or you're gonna look like a freaked out traumatized oddball.

Somehow he managed to gather his mind, shrugged off the calamities and kept his cool as he gets closer to the bend. And at the turn of the corner, his heart skipped a beat. It has always been like that, ever since the first time their eyes met.

There stood she, gorgeous as ever, smiling.
No matter how far the wind has blown the leave away, it will always be a part of the tree.
And the tree will always feel the missing leave.
Always.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

"I Tried So Hard" -Akon & Wan Yean-

I tried. Really, I did.

At the start of the semester, I've sworn to do all my assignments, homeworks and other sleep-inducing tasks by myself. I shall not procrastinate, I shall not be lazy, and I shall not copy work of others.

Be the answers are right or wrong, I shall complete all of them by myself.

It's only words, and words is all I have.

Fei Zai: Eh, go upstairs and take Econs assignment from Ah Meng. He finished it already.
Me: What do you intend to do?
Fei Zai: Mark his paper and grade him? To copy lah, what else?
Me: I shall not do that. It is against my principles in life.
Fei Zai: Huh? Hey, copying is a very Malaysian thing to do!
Me: And thus I shall not stoop so low to be a typical Malaysian pirate. I believe in originality.
Fei Zai: Talk so much, you know how to do meh?
Me: Still, I will try my best...
Fei Zai: And get a C?
Me: I will keep on trying, and never give up...
Fei Zai: Fine, let me see what you've done so far.

(I proudly hands over my half completed questions)

Fei Zai: You drew the chart all wrong.
Me: Oh, would you correct me then?
Fei Zai: And you don't have to use the formulas. You can get the values straight from the table.
Me: You serious? I'll take note of that.
Fei Zai: And finally, our lecturer asked us to do question 3, 4 and 5. You did 1 & 2, which are already discussed in class.
Me: What is Ah Meng's room number?

I think I'd have to start with staying awake during lectures first.

PS: About my disappearance from my blog for the past week(s), I'm really sorry because I was busy with tests, assignments, DotA and an Open Day exhibition to take care of. Will be making my journey back HOME on Tuesday.

PS2: Wheeeeee! Eric Kuih, BuayaChye & segala manusia yang menghuni di Penang buat masa ini, get ready for the return of the Choy.

PS3: I miss my mummy :(

PSP: I want one!

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I Love My Name

Tan Wan Yean. Literal translation, Tan Thousand Dollars, or something close to that. And no, it ain't the coolest name you've ever heard. In fact, it's such a common name that people tend to disregard it.

I've met a lotta bunch of people with cool names, and well, mine sounds plain when I introduce myself.

Sound man: Hi, I'm Dusty.
Me: Hey, I'm Wan Yean. Hmm... Dusty. DJ Dusty. Sounds like a cool stage gimmick.
Sound man: No bro, that's my real name.
Me: Whoa, you for real?
Sound man: Yeah. And what's your name again?
Me: You hurt my feelings.

And this happened during a blogger's meet;

Me: Hi! Nice meeting you. You are?
Girl: Hi! I'm Erlynda.
Me: Oh c'mon, I mean, what's your real name, not like those self given names you know?
Girl: My name IS Erlynda!
Me: Yeah, and I'm Michaelangelo.
Girl: You don't believe me, don't you? (Takes out I/C) Here, take a good look.
Me: Oh, urm hi Erlynda. MY GOD HOW DID YOUR PARENTS COME UP WITH SUCH A NAME?

You can check out her blog here.

Well, it's not that I ain't proud of my name, it's just that it's too plain. Nobody remembers my name. It's just so sad! Hence one fine day I decided to make up an English name for myself. Well, for the sake of just meeting hi-bye people, so that it's easier for them to remember besides the good looks and charming personality and charisma and.. (I better stop).

So after giving it much thought, I decided to settle for Wayne. Yeah. "Wayne" has got all the alphabets that spells "Wan Yean", and it starts with a "W" too. Heck it's a cool name, ain't it? But I sort of blew it on my first try;

Girl, stranger: Hi, nice to meet you!
Me: Oh hi, nice to meet you too. I'm Wayne (said while raising one of my eyebrows)
Girl, stranger: Wait a minute, aren't you Wan Yean, from PFS?
Me: Errr...
Girl, stranger: Do you remember me? I participated in CTC and I was in your patrol.
Me: I think... you got the wrong person. Bye!

Heck, it was silly. What was I thinking? Having another name other than my own just don't feel right. I feel fake and deprived of an identity. I AM Wan Yean. Not Wayne, not Michaelangelo or Raphael.

And well Wan Yean sounds decent, at least it aint' like Ah Kau, Ah Tu, Ah Beng or Lan Chiaw. I should be proud of my name, though it may sound girlish or funny to you.

And boy, I am freaking proud of it now more than ever.

I met this Korean chick in Singapore the other day, and well, my name's just cool.

Girl: Hi, I'm Dana. What's your name?
Me: I'm Wan Yean.. Well you can call me Wan if you wanna.
Girl: Oh, okay. What's your surname?
Me: Erm, it's Tan.
Girl: Hey, that's what my friends call me! It's like my nick name, you know, a short for Dana in Korean.
Me: Oh, so we're sharing a same name now huh.
Girl: Yeah, that's cool. I like your name.

I'm all smiles even as I'm writing this down. Ashamed of my name? HELL NO. I freakin' love my name now. Chicks dig my name. Especially, Korean chicks. Born as TAN WAN YEAN, and will die as one. Need no English name garnishing.

Are you proud of your name?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Singapore Ministers

Singapore government have a lot in common with our local government. For starters, from what I heard most of the ministers were Malaysians. Singapore ministers are getting fat pay cheques and well, our ministers sure know how to hustle for their share of luxury too.

But there's one particular ministry that our country does not possess. And for that I'm paying them a visit tomorrow.

The Ministry Of Sound.

Minister on duty: Damian Saint, UK.

Oh yeah.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Facts And Figures of UTM

687
Kilometers away from home, away from my comfy bed, char koay teow, sup Hameed, RM4 DVDs, sexy dance competition, table top dance competition, RM40 per bucket beers, Botanical Garden jogging trail and my life.

44
Ridiculous college rules that governs my life, which I'd break at least 3 every single day.

35
Km/h is the speed limit on all roads in UTM. Yes, they apply both to bicycles and motor vehicles. Gear 2 screams for mercy.

12
Number of speed bumps from my hostel to my faculty's car park. Cars with skirting and lowered suspensions goes thru hell every single day.

1.9
Is the distance in kilometers from my hostel to the faculty. Yes, they squeezed in all them 12 speed bumps. Seems like they are trying their very best to make us follow the speed limit.

3

English speaking friends, in which 2 of them are staying outside while the other 1 is a hi/bye friend. Well, at least I have Roboto to talk to, right matey?

Roboto, my chat buddy.

Approximately
100~200
Different girls seen in UTM so far, and;

Approximately
80%

Are lala/kampung/airhead/fat/downright hopeless.

Approximately
5%
Speaks English.

Definitely
0

Turns me on.

1
Prayer that I say daily;

Dear God, send me an angel*. Pretty face, hot, C (I wouldn't mind a D too, if that's what You have in mind for me), daring and outgoing. And English speaking, fo' sho. That's all, God. That's all. Is that too much of a favor?

I'm counting on Ya, Big Guy. Cuz I really wouldn't want to end up blogging like this blog gone bad one day. Straight is good, fo' shizzle.

*God, you may select any of these chicks for me. I wouldn't mind look a-likes too. Hey, You want only the best for Your child, right? Amen.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

How Does It Feel Like To Have Boobs?

That ain't exactly a question, but I would appreciate answers from the YY species.

I've never actually given it much of a thought until watching this movie, It's A Boy Girl Thing. I know there's a whole lot of boy wakes up in girl's body shows out there, but somehow this movie in particular got me thinking about how does it feel to actually own a set of rack.


The two different movie posters. For you to play spot the difference.


If ever, I'm to wake up in a girl's body, hell what would be the first thing I'd do? What else, but to strip naked, run in front of a mirror and just, adore.

And then, the fun begins.

Exploring would be a nice thing to do. I'll hunt down all the treasures of a woman's body; the G-spot, U-spot, S-spot, blogspot, and whatever spots there are. Heck I'd like to experience a female orgasm. back to back. Rarrr. Purrrr.

And after all that, maybe I'll start worrying about switching back.

So the idea came to me, would I love to actually have tits when I'm in a girl's body?


It's not when you already have testicles, silly.

To have additional fatty tissues bulging out from my anterior, to have a part of me that can draw necessary AND unnecessary attention, that has gotta be cool.

Or, troublesome?

It will certainly weigh me down, making it harder to get up after bending over, plus additional care and support needed to resist gravity's pull.

Nature is unforgiving, even to Drew Barrymore.

Damn I certainly can't lie down comfortably on the bed when I've got two round balloons in my way. And what happens when I go for a jog? I know bouncing tits are real kinky, but hey I don't think I'd appreciate a part of my body to be ricochetting up and down for the whole 30 minutes of a run. Remember Click?

Proceed to 2:04. Boing boing boing.

So I think I won't fancy owning a set of C bombs after all, heck I will despise having them. Don't get me wrong, I freakin' love 'em succulent roundies; hell I'm a male. Thank God I'm a male.

So look good honeys, I'll help with the feel good part.

By the way, errr, do all them boobies sag like Drew Barrymore's when chicks/aunts hit late 30s? Damn that's scary... And yes this is a question.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Of Lands And Maidens

They're all like girls.

Penang is like my long term girlfriend whom I've grown up with, and grown to love. I know (almost) every detail of her body, every measurements and every skin tone of hers. I'm comfortable around her, and I'm proud to announce that I belong to her.

Johor is like a bitch who is just jealous of my commitment and love towards Penang, and she tried her very best to tear us apart. And she did, by offering me security and stability in life.

She made a deal with me when I was drunk, and made me inked down a 4 year attachment contract with her. I was forced to try her out, but I realized that she's plain boring. There is no excitement as promised, and heck she's so huge in size that I can't finish exploring her even if I took 20 years.

Johor has failed thus far to remove Penang from me. I crave for her. So much so that during the contract period I cheated on Johor with Penang. I enjoy roaming all over her, all over again. Distance certainly can't tear us apart, and definitely can't subdue our lust for each other.

Then I found Singapore.

She's hot, she's sexy, attractive, fun loving and secure at the same time. She's a rare gem; and you know what they say about rare gems; it's hard to dig 'em out.

She is challenging, but at the same time teasing. She'd let me explore her but she would not let me unfold her totally. She is, mysterious. And I find myself drawn to her obscure enticement.

Singapore is supposed to be only my fling throughout the 4 years contract before I can go back to my Penang, but she proved herself to be more than just another girl; she's got potential. And I found myself stucked in the middle.

My contract will come to an end in another 2 years time. I have to decide by then who would I wanna start a new exciting journey of life with, and who would I wanna wake up with every single morning.

A hot new sexy chick or the oh-so-familiar childhood lover? Tough choice. Oh, the bitch ain't even in my slightest consideration.

On the same note, I'm returning to the bitch tomorrow morning after spending a wonderful 2 months with my long term girlfriend. Sorrow will be my companion, pain will be my friend. Need to sneak out more often to meet miss promiscuous.

Oh, did I mention that UTM is located right in between the two pieces of thick fugly arse of the bitch? The shithole, that is.

Monday, July 02, 2007

All Ye Whining Bitches

Admit it, all of us bloggers are bitches. We like to bitch about anything and everything; from our 'transparent' government to the other 'prettier but distasteful' blogger that gets in your nerves or even the fantastic nasi lemak that you had for breakfast.

You wanna to prove me wrong? Try visiting any blog at all, ANY at random. All that you can find is summarized as below:
  • Tech blog: they bitch about slow processing speed, low RAM, clock speed, Bill Gates knows what else.
  • Sex blog: they whine about bad sex, and good sex too, anything that can get the readers horny.
  • Food blog: they bitch about 70 cents roti canai.
  • Lifestyle blog: it's all over it.
  • Audio/video blog: you literally hear them/see them bitch it out.

Yes, we like to bitch and whine, and be heard; and that explains the existence of our kind. And even better; people like to read our whimpers. So much so that we bitches bloggers can make money out of it, and even be a celebrity. Amazing, huh?

I have to admit, I'm a loud whining bitch too. Things that I can't yell out loud, I'll type it all here with CAPITAL LETTERS. People that I can't blast off with my arsenal of verbal abuse right in their face, I'll type it out, right in the face of my laptop screen, here.

I know, that's really a macho thing to do.

But today onwards, I'm breaking free from this whole bitching business. Yes, because THE blog is not like any other blogs at all; it's T-H-E blog. And being one among the crowd sucks.

So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, my first bitch-free post, in point form.
  • Work sucks. (Damn, that's whining already)

  • I was too busy working recently.
  • My boss is an idiot who thinks that I'm an invoice printing machine. (Can't write that)

  • I issue invoices.
  • I couldn't update my blog.
  • My boss wants me to be a social outcast just like her. (Yea, yea I know I know)
  • Work limits my own personal free time.
  • Working makes me fat. (This considered whining?)
  • Working limits my mobility.

  • I laughed loud and hard on my boss's face, and told her "Enjoy your mental imprisonment, old hag." (That's nasty, definite no-no)

  • But after a month of work, my working stint finally came to an end.
  • Back to enjoying life.

  • Arrgh, I'm harvesting my love handle! (Whining not allowed)
  • I just came home from having a pint.
Urgh, screw it, bitching is fun!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Orient's Voice @ Food Loft

What's a blogger's meet?

Blogger A: Hi! I'm Rocker Underscore Jim. What's your name?
Blogger B: Hi Rocker Underscore Jim! I'm Lalaland Adventures.
Rocker_Jim: El-o-el! What a cute name for your blog!
Lalaland: Hehe. How's life?
Rocker_Jim: It's good, I got 87 visitors yesterday, and so far traffic's increasing. Managed to get 2 more people to link my blog and oh, yesterday, I received 13 comments for my post about my meal!

Okay, that's imaginary, but honestly I don't think I can fit in.

But Nuffnang lured me with free food. And it's universal truth, rule of the thumb that Chinese can't resist freebies. That explains why I attended last Saturday's The Orient's Voice.

And here's the official pure unadulterated review (I don't write to kiss ass), complete with numbers.

1. Arrival
The truth is, the coolest dude on the net could be the geekiest fatuous dork. Yes, bloggers look, behave, talk and act differently from what you might expect.

I saw a late 20s geek with shirt tucked up real high, supposedly macho blogger rolling his eyes when given a sarcastic comment and supposedly pretty chicks looking, well, un-Photoshopped. You'll never know, I might be a freaking faggot too. But I'm not, okay?

2. Seated Down
The first thing to do when you're there is to spot them celebrity bloggers when you're there. So you'll get lots of "Oh look! It's __________!(enter blogger's name)" Reply by saying "Where? Where? That one? Oh my God!" as if you just saw Jessica Alba nude. And you know what, this happened when my tablemate was blogger spotting.

Tablemate: Hey, that's 5 times Mom!
Passerby: *paused in front of our table* Ahem, it's 5 'X' Mom.
Tablemate: Ohh... *looks in awe*

I felt like I was sitting in a chess club annual meeting, and I actually might be able to talk like Rocker_Jim over there after all.

3. Chow Time
Do you know that bloggers say grace before taking their meal? By taking out their cameras and snapping a photo or two of their dishes before consuming it.

Imagine the whole restaurant doing that, and camera flashes everywhere. Me? I took two bites before I took a picture. Forgive me, Blord.

4. After Meal Together Gather
More flashes flashing off. Camwhores shone in full glory, followed by a Q&A quiz session. The first question had me confirmed my deviation with the rest;

MC: Name me a blogger's important tool.
Me: *thinking* Computer.
Someone: Camera!
MC: Correct!

Heck, I did not even bring my camera along. Now they were making me feel unwelcome.

5. The After-Party
Clubbing? Shopping? Go for a movie?

No, a blogger's after party simply means more photo sessions.

Now it seems to me that I'm attending a modeling & photography club meeting. Look beautiful. Look Photoshoppable.

All-in-all? The food's great. Yummy.

Friday, June 22, 2007

2nd Day Get Fit Program Report & A Rewarding Encounter

The ultimate fitness plan: park my car at Youth Park, jog over to Botanical Garden, do 2 laps around Botanical Garden, and head back to Youth Park.

What happened: parked my car at Youth Park, jogged to Botanical Garden, and behold; I was distracted already... it's just the second day and I'm disappointed with myself that I.. I failed to keep up with the plan.

But for a good reason, that is!

Guess who was there outside of Botanical Garden's huge gate? The Fly FM's Perodua Troopers! And they were there handing out freebies, t-shirts, Maroon 5 CDs etc, and how could I not stop over to keypo? Heh heh.

Slowly people started to crowd around them, but it ain't exactly the right crowd I'd say.

There's this huge bunch of Jay-Chou worshipping kung fu fighting kids. Well, that's what I call 'em Chinese Ed lads who ignorantly don't speak English at all, those that when asked what's your favorite radio station, they answered in unison "Fry Eff Em!".

And there was the "Can you give me t-shirt brother? Collar t-shirt? Brother I want t-shirt can ah" uncles who had just finished their daily mountain climbing routine. When asked to name two deejays from Fly, they answered Fly Guy and one even mentioned Patrick Teoh.

Also there's this kopitiam ahpek who grabbed as much F&N Orange can drinks as he could, in which he would sell for RM1.60 each.

And there was me. I don't wanna lose out in getting the freebies. And yes I do deserve them freebies. I've been listening to Fly FM all along! Yes, a valid reason to shorten my jog today.

Well guys, these are the successful loot from yesterday;

T-shirt, Thermal flask, car sticker, postcards and Men's Health

The T-shirt! My favorite loot of the day! But when I looked closer...

What the hell, XS?!

Any of you gals out there interested to have the t-shirt since it's freakin' tiny? I'll give it out for free, all you need to do is just send me a pic of yourself in the sluttiest look you can don. Videos are accepted too.

A thermal flask!

Goldmember's not so glamorous spare, Silvermember.

But it has got "Segi college" printed on it.

Misspelled saggy.

Should I stick this on my front windscreen or at the back?

I've seen an idiot sticking the inner side of the sticker on the outside.

Tons of postcards, into the recycling bin you go.

Or maybe can use to lapik the bottom of my sling bag?

Any chick(s) wanna clarify the validity of the tips with me? :p

Hannah Tan's one happy lucky chick.

And yea, dammit I did not win that Maroon 5 CD, thanks to the hamsap trooper who handed it over to one of the female kung fu fighter (shen me si Mah ron wu?) Dammit, go worship your Jay Chous and Lee Homs and David Taos and leave good music where it's supposed to be, that's with me!

Nevermind lah, hopefully she'll pick up English from that album.

Ahhh, told you guys jogging is a rewarding activity!