Tuesday, October 31, 2006

My Open Space Asylum

Back to square one.
My desire for empty words died off.
I'm never there.
Thanks anyway.
I see the real you twice.

WTV: Exclusive Interview With Wan Yean

This is WTV (no, not WTF) reporting to you live from the home of the disappearing blogger, Wan Yean. Among the highlights today are the confessions of the blogger about his disappearance and how he view his own blog. Stay with us, as Wan Yean tells it all.

WTV: What is blogging like to you?

Wan Yean: Back then, to me blogging was a type of escapism for me from the real world, where I have an audience I can give my views to, where I can just bullshit about anything at all without a single care. Expectations from people, a standard to keep, ah, fuck that. I can just write anything at all without worries, like right now. I don't even have to care about the swear word I just used.

WTV: Seems like you're living a double life then.

Wan Yean: Double? What do you mean by double? I'm a screwed up lunatic with a rich blend of personalities inside me, and I don't subject myself to just being 2 different person! At times, I'm Wayne, the serial rapist; Wanster, the computer geek that bitch alot about people on his blog; and even the Reverent, the holy high priest that speaks repentance to the nations. So don't diss me by mentioning double, before my half Chinese niggah inside me gets angered and pop your muthafuckin' head off, you pussyface!

WTV: Okay, cool down now. We're sorry, Wan Yean abou..

Wan Yean: Don't you know my name, pussy? I'm Wayan, and don'cha diss me once more or you'll be joining Tupac & B.I.G. real soon!

WTV: Okay, let's try this once more. What can you explain about your disappearance from the blogosphere, and wha..

Wan Yean:
Cuz I'm hot from da streets,
Bring 'em lotsa bitches & chicks,
If ya mess with me nigga I tell ya this,
Ya head be popped like a pussy on the clit,
Blown into pieces and I just don't give a shit (Uh huh)
I've got, Lil Jon on my back (YYEEAAAHHHH!!)
and Snopp wit the crack (Big what)
And ya know this gon' be fat
Cuz ma man JD's on the track
(Ya kno this is... so, so def! Haha!)

WTV: Err sir, you're on an interview here...

Wan Yean: You know what, you dopes just don't know how to appreciate a good free style. Shut up and show some respect!

WTV: Seems like we don't need a reason for his disappearance now, it's clear now that he is outta his mind. Well surely the world is gonna miss the wits of Wanster, some even once hailed as the greatest blog ever, as we await eagerly for the man himself to make a return. For now, bring to you some of the unposted entries of Wanster, that might leave a hint and clue to the reason behind his disappearance. Hope you'll enjoy this.

Wan Yean: Shake that ass bitch! Yeaa make a pool palace! Arrrww arrrww!!

Wanster vs The Rest Of Them Bloggers

Let me put it straight. I am here to clarify that I can never outdo, outpost and outblog all you bloggers out there. Though blogging is fun and it passes time fast, heck I lack the necessaries to be on par with you blogging junkies. Let's just make a comparison.

1. The Internet

To blog simply means to web log, and hence the Internet connection is the back bone of a blogger.

Them Bloggers:

Ultra fast broadband connection in your very own room. Connected to the Internet for flocking 24 hours a day. Quick uploads, browsing and bla bla bla.

Wan Yean:

1) The library. Freaking far. Connection speed of 10.0Mbps shared among 6 users. Any single fudger who decides to download some trash will make the other 5 crawl.

2) The computer room. Nah, I hate that place for some weird reason that I don't even know. And I have to pay to use their virus infested computers!

3) Starbucks. I can afford a Myvi by now if I'm to blog from that place everyday.

Dial-up connection that people laugh at. Maximum speed of 46.6kbps. Spanking.

2. The blog's layout

Don't judge a blog by it's template. Yea rite. Template is everything.

Them Bloggers:

Fancy stuff, with loads of interesting banners and pictures. Some are even equipped with fancy mouse pointers and pop-up messages.

Wan Yean:

Standard plain black boring blogger template. Hey, I like to write on my blog, not decorate it.

3. The gadgets
Cameras, to be specific.

Them Bloggers:

DSLR! Crystal clear fine images!

Wan Yean:
Sony Ericsson k700i = camera. Wow.

How the hell am I gonna survive this cruel wicked world of blogging without the right tools and accessories?

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Giant Hypermarket

No joke, they really looked like a kid's drawing of 3 fingers to me rather than the price of something when I first saw it.

Sanyo 21'' whatever whatever, RM 4D9.00?

D24's half seeded brother, the D99 durian on sale.

Giant Hypermarket better hire somebody with at least UPSR qualification who can write properly and note the difference between numbers and alphabets.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

My Dream Wife

Let me introduce you to my dream wife. No, not as in Celine Dion's I see you every night and wet myself kinda dream, nor like how The Papas & The Mamas shameless abuse of the word dream to make a hit song California Dreaming kinda dream, nor is it like JJ or some bad-English Taiwanese superstar that wanna add the word "dream" into their song to coolify it and hide the fact that they can't speak proper English that turned out to be the main reason why they are recording artists because they can't pass the IELTS test to make it to the universities, which in fact by adding the word "dream" into their song will make them sound like greater idiots.

What I really meant by dream is more like Dennis Rodman's "My greatest desire and dream is to be a woman with loads of tattoo" kinda dream, or maybe like Michael Jackson's "I really hope that they would select me to play the ghost in The Grudge I don't need additional make up" kinda dream and oh, how could I miss this one out, like suicide bombers' dream of dropping the title "suicide" off by using remote control explosives so that they can be blown into pieces by their friends and without having to press the button themselves. "It's not considered suicede then, right? Cuz it's done by another person." Al-Ti-enti quoted before going to international courts for an appeal for a change of name.

Okay, the usual drift. Back to my topic. My dream wife. After relentless search through dating websites, dating agencies, UTM kampung girls, Penang chicks, Hollywood, churches, Catholic schools and Vietnam, I've found her- living in my laptop. No, not some porn star; no, it's not Tammy, but her name is Lois. Lois Pewterschmidt Griffin.
She told me that I'm too young for her.

He told me that I'm too old for him.

She/he is too manly/feminine for me.

Woo hoo.

I mean, she loves her very very fat, very very stupid, very very irresponsible husband and she stays faithful to her. And she's a trophy admired by her neighbour and even the front man of KISS, Mr. Mime or Mr. Pussyface or whatever his name is. She cooks. She plays the piano. She doesn't throw tantrums. And she escaped death effortlessly, and that's sexy. She's everything that I cannot find in dating agencies, UTM kampung girls, Catholic schools and no, not even in Vietnam. Maybe that is why she is a cartoon character; too ideal to be real. Damn you Peter Griffin, you lucky son of a mother.

Oh boy. too much of Family Guy. Don't know what I'm taking about? You totally suck. Shame on you. Click here to save your dignity.

Monday, October 16, 2006

They Can't Take Criticisms

Why I disappeared from blogging for such a long period of time?
This is one of the reasons why.
The university election back then.
Further explained below, which I actually wrote quite some time ago but failed to publish because of some kampung people who don't know how to handle criticisms.

I can't access blogs from UTM.

I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
Blogs are blocked.
I wonder why.
I wonder why.
I wonder why.
Is it because they detest freedom of speech over the Internet?
Or maybe they are trying to narrow down Internet usage by the students?
Or don't tell me that blogspot's server is down for weeks already?
No, it's not blogspot.
It's them.
They did it.
The evil brains behind UTM.
Hollow brains.
Hollow, empty, brains that cannot accept criticisms.
Hollow, epmty, shallow brains that don't know how to handle bad comments.
What are we gonna do about it?
What are we gonna do about it?
What are we gonna do about it?
So they asked.
"Let's shut the Internet down!" screamed one.
"Let's burn every computer that we come across!" snarled another.
"Silly! Let's just block whatever that comes from blogspot.com!" the spectacle clad one yelled.
Then a slight murmur.
Then a burst of laughter.
"Yes let's do that!" Everybody cheered.
"They won't be able to see a thing from that site!" Everybody danced.
"We'll secure another victory for this round of election!" Everybody laughed.
"Even if we don't, we'll just pay the officer RM50 and we will eventually win!" Everybody roared.

That spelt the end for all htmls ending with ".blogspot.com".
The only reason why I still manage to post is because the domain now is under blogger.com.
And I can only view my own blog from "Preview" at "Template".
Wanna know what is the blog that I was talking about? Here you go:

Okay, so I can actually post back then, but I was too frustrated and ermm... what's the word... oh yeah, lazy.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Death Could Not Hold Wan Yean At The Grave... The Great Comeback

Making a return from his month long absence...
(Crowd aroused)
If you missed him people, SCREEAAMM!!
(Crowd roared)
Tell me, who's blog do you want to read?
Who's blog izz it that you want, to, reeaad??!
Ladies and gentlemen, the moment all of you have been waiting for, making an unbelievable comeback from Internetlesslitis, stronger than ever, bigger and better, (HOO! HOO!) ready or not, here comes another entry; show him your love people.... WAAAANNNN YEAAAAANNN!!
(Crowd in frenzy, girls throwing panties and flashing their top, camera lights flashing)

Hi. I'm back to blogging. Thanks for coming by.

P/S: By the way, if you pretty chicks are really gonna flash me your assets, you can always take a photo of yourself and e-mail it to me. I'd surely appreciate that alot.